why am I here,
and what can I do to make things better?
how can I do what you like?
it's the predominant question!


"I'm frantic in your soothing arms
I can not sleep in this down filled world
I've found safety in this loneliness
But I can not stand it anymore

Cross my heart and hope not to die
Swallow evil, ride the sky
Lose myself in a crowded room
You fool, you fool, it will be here soon

It comes alive
And I die a little more
It comes alive
Each moment here I die a little more"

"Gently, my mind escapes into the relaxing
world of pleasure, a pleasure that'll take
my mind off the reality of my life,
my past life... life as I know it now.
And whatever may come, it slowly
disappears to somewhere in the back
of my mind. It will remain there,
until I wish to retrieve it.
Yes, I will stay here for a while,
for I need the break. A break from the
pressures of life, and everything
that lays in the palm of life's hands.
This mode is incredible. It's out of
this world. Too bad I must always leave it...
... but that's life."

I feel like shit.

Today...I am drinkin Two Fingres tequila and lots of beer.
I have really terrible hangover...


I need alcohol.

"...prepared in innocence to meet our king of glory and so we have this. You have it in your secret windows and you're understanding to understand it and to bring it forth.
It takes minute detail. It takes a holy life. It takes emotions. It takes dedication. It takes dedication. It takes a death and only god can allow it and you couldn't do it if you're not the seed of god. And so the path through the great corridors, these are corridors unto his perfection, that is which the prophet and the oarman summoned has penetrated. That through this great sea of blackness. That i penetrated through these corridors and i went through that last segment
where i went through these dark serpentines. I passed through that corridor, where they sat, where they are. And when you penetrate to the most high god, you will believe you are mad, you will believe you've gone insane. But i tell you if you follow the secret window, and you die to the ego nature. You will penetrate this darkness. Oh yes there's many a man or woman, that's been put in the insane asylum when this has happened to them and they're sitting there today, people think they're insane
but they saw something that's real and they see it when they're on drugs
the only thing is they see it. Not through the light of god, and the way i show you. I show you to see it through the light of god and the understanding of god, because when you see the face of god you will die and there will be nothing left of you
except the god-man, the god-woman, the heavenly man, the heavenly woman,
the heavenly child. There will be terror under this day of night. There will be a song of jubilee waiting for your king. There will be nothing you will be looking for in this world, except for your god. This is all a dream, a dream in death, and so i went through that window, and the tower of hell and the great serpentines of the highest order and i went through that when i showed you chart #3. the question is asked and learned and someone who...."